The ‘You-can’t-waste-your-time’ demon
A letter to my future me, to not forget what I have learnt during the quarantine time
Dear future me,
I am writing to you because there are things I want you to remember. I know you (at least I know the nowaday you). You forget easily and quickly what happen in your life. But, this time, I want you to remember: how you felt and what you did in these few, crazy, months of 2020.
Now it’s Summer but I am feeling as I missed 3 entire months, the all Spring. In February my wardrobe was full of wool sweaters. Then the Pandemic spread out in Milan. We were told to stay safe at home. Offices, restaurants, pubs shut down. For 2 month we went out just to buy food or to go to the drugstore.
No friends, no colleagues, no family.
Now we can go out and it is time for Summer clothes and sandals. We still have to wear face masks and clean our hands often but we can meet friends and family.
We went to sleep in Winter and got up in Summer. As bears in winter hibernation.
It is almost like we had a huge hangover for entire weeks from which we are starting now a slowly recovering.
When the pandemic burs into our lives at first mostly we were in denial. The danger seemed so unreal, so far away.
At the beginning working from home was almost a welcome change. ‘Few days at home what a relief! I will use the extra time to tidy up and to look at some stuff I never have time for!’’ I was thinking.
But the days become weeks and then I started feeling bewildered by my new daily routine. I cleaned my home, repeatedly and deeply, organised my documents, studied… but time was passing by and we were still forced to stay at home.
The situation became so unusual, almost eerie.
I had so much spare time. I was working from home but, since most of the activities were impossible, the days were dull. I felt like i was missing something. I always had this feeling when when I have too much spare time. What was my goal? I felt a bit lost.
I created a quarantine routine which I tried to stick with as much as possible. Work, physical exercise, study but still I felt like I was missing something.
My ‘you-can’t-waste-your-time’ demon was controlling me. Since when I was a student I always needed a goal, a purpose. It could be a test at school, an exam at University or the urgency to find a better and more rewarding job, if I had no clear goals I felt lost.
I was thinking that I was living an unprecedented situation, I could not be so stupid to waste my precious time. I had to find something meaningful.
I was determined to do something good. I was fascinating about anybody that, in few days, managed to do something unexpected or compelling with their jobs or passions from their own apartments. Someone created web seminar, someone else a youtube channel. Some of them, to be honest, were maybe a bit overconfident but still, I was admired. In just few days they were able to rethink they activities and adapt them to the new situation.
I felt like I was just wasting my time doing meaningless cleanings. I was concerned I couldn’t have done nothing good, I couldn’t be able to make the most of the time I was, unexpectedly, given. The ‘you-can’t-waste-your-time’ demon was always there, staring at me, judging my laziness and inability to be productive as anyone else.
Eventually the quarantine ended, I did not use the spare time as I wished. I did not read as I wanted and I did not had any enlightenment.
Things are starting again to change and going slowly back to a new normality.
I understood now that I was too much worried.
When I was a child I lived in a small village among the hills in Center Italy. At that time I had a lot of spare time and never felt ashamed of wasting it. I spent all the Summers of my childhood doing nothing, just playing and going around the fields around my home.
I realise now that I should not be ashamed of doing nothing.
I am still not comfortable with this but, at least, I understand that the urgency to do something is not always good.
So dear future me I told you all this because I want that, anytime you will feel exhausted, misplaced and anxious about what you should be or do just remember that ‘Nothing’ is always an option.
You should not waste too much time thinking about what you should be or do. A good ‘Nothing’ can be much better than a bad ‘too much’.
Take care,
2020 Lucia